Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Maybe the Grass Isn’t Greener

I have always thought lesbians were the smartest women because they didn’t have to deal with man’s bullshit.

Well, I think I have changed my mind.

The other day I was walking to the Field House to meet Pepper and the Duchess for the Eagles’ game. Along the way I came up on a young woman that looked as if she was walking home from the gym. Her phone rang and she answered it. We were keeping about the same pace so I got to eavesdrop on a good bit of her conversation.

After all there are few things in this world I enjoy more than eavesdropping on strangers’ conversations.

So, from what I gathered, this woman was talking to a friend and this friend had asked her about her ex-girlfriend. Things are not so great with the ex. It seems whenever this girl starts to get serious about another, her ex miraculously shows up to mess with her head and heart. Once she just called her, out of the blue, when she was getting ready to go out on a date. Another time, she showed up at a bar, where my fellow side walker was waiting to meet someone new. She didn’t know how ex knew where to show up or if it was all just a coincidence but she really needed to do something about it because she just couldn’t handle any more of the heartache or the drama.

I shook my head as I passed the poor, young thing.

We all know how crazy girls can get. Hell, I bet we all know some just plain ol’ crazy girls. Crazy girls are attracted to me like moths to a flame, but fortunately Bridie is like a big bug zapper when it comes to crazy. Not only can she smell them as soon as she walks into a room, once she drops the therapist card, they run away faster than Victoria Secret’s models from carbs.

Still, even with Bridie at my side, I know a couple of really crazy girls. And as ridiculous and unfathomable as guys can be at times, I don’t know any that would send their guy friends over to an ex’s house to urinate and defecate on her stoop.

And for the record, that wasn’t something I overhead the lesbian complain about to her friend. That is something one of my crazy friends did when her boyfriend dumped her.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Republican By Osmosis

I think my parents have a secret plot to convert me into a Republican.

Or at least a Fox News watcher.

I was home for a few weeks while I finished my grad school applications and my little brother Ivan visited. While there are a lot of lovely things to say about Allentown, one thing I don’t like is how quiet it can get at my parent’s home. As you know, I live on Broad Street and so I am used to the background hum of traffic and ambulances and the occasional drunken screaming match to lull me to sleep.

In my old bedroom, however, all I can hear is the wind and the noises of wild nocturnal animals which I somehow don’t find relaxing or soothing or especially conducive to sleeping. So when I am home, I often fall asleep with the TV left on.

Well, the third or fourth morning I woke up and the TV was on the Fox News Network.

I know I didn’t go to bed watching that. In fact, I was pretty sure I went to bed watching an old episode of Law and Order and so how the TV magically switched to FNN is beyond my understanding. I surmised that maybe, MAYBE, at one time it was on FNN and in my sleep I hit the last button on the remote (that, yes, I fell asleep on top of) and that is how I ended up waking to Fox and Friends.

Though this seemed highly suspicious as I was pretty sure I was watching a movie before I switched on TNT, but nonetheless, I gave my parental units the benefit of the doubt.

That is until it happened again the next morning.

Seemingly, it would be even more likely that I accidentally switched back to this channel in my sleep as I obviously had recently watched it. But, I distinctly remembered the last channel I was watching before TNT the night before. It was one of the Showtimes. I remember because whatever movie I was watching was followed by some soft porn series and I was worried that one of my parents would come in to turn off my TV after I had fallen asleep and walk in on the porno. So, instead of facing that potentially very embarrassing situation, I sacrificed the end of the movie and drifted off to an episode of Bones instead.

The gig (or is it jig?) was definitely up the next day, when sitting in the living room with my mother she turned and asked, “doesn’t that worry you?”

I looked up from my book to see my mother, clearly troubled by something that she just heard reported on FNN. “Clearly, I’m not paying attention,” I responded. I then watched for a few moments as some man yelled and screamed and made me feel really stupid. I then looked over at my mother again and offered, “actually it makes me really proud of you and daddy that you aren’t living in a bomb shelter yet.”

She laughed. I returned to my book.

The next morning I woke up to Without a Trace.