A Road Map to Washing That Man Out of Your Hair

When Houdini disappeared I fell apart a little bit. I was despondent and drunk and in general, just asking why. The following morning, despite Svetlana’s advice, I went into work. Big, puffy eyes and all. Marie, who had recently experienced a similar disappearing act felt terrible for me and halfway through the day sent an e-mail checking in on me. I responded that I was fine, that I had a plan. Well, this plan just tickled Marie to her very core and so she sent it off to her best friend, whose boyfriend had just dumped her (there must have been something in the water that week).

Anyway, fast forward a month and Marie has another friend sitting through another vanishing act. Her friend asked just how long one should be miserable about this, to which Marie sent her my trusted timeline. And because this timeline seems to be helping all of Marie’s friends through their time in need, I thought I would share it with you.

Keep in mind, this is not tried and true or tested at a top-notch University. It doesn’t date back generations. It is just what seemed reasonable to me the morning after. For ease of reference, I was dumped on a Tuesday. Those of you dumped on a Thursday or Friday or Sunday may need to adjust accordingly.

I just told Bridie, today and tomorrow I get to be gross about all of
this. I get to drink and eat whatever I want and cry if I have to and
wonder what the eff happened and be a total drain to my friends. Then
Friday, during the day I get to be hungover. Friday night, Bridie and I
are going out with the gays and that is when I am going to celebrate being
single again. No more feeling sorry for myself or wondering what the eff I
could have done to change things. Saturday and Sunday I jumpstart new me
-- back to the gym and the pool and writing and reading and all the other things
that fell to the side since Houdini.

Oh, Saturday is when I officially stop smoking (again) too.

In the interest of total disclosure, I didn’t stop smoking for another two weeks.