I know. It has been awhile. I apologize. I have been busy, but that isn’t why I haven’t written. The reason I haven’t written is because I have been stumped by that article about why I’m not married.
I just heard the collective groans of all 22 of my readers. Yes. This again.
First, I am still wondering if I even want to get married. But I will get into that later. The real bit that has me stuck is when she suggested that we aren’t married because we are liars.
Priding myself on not being a liar, I secretly applauded the author for calling women out on this. We all know a liar. We all have a good friend that is with a guy that everyone knows isn’t in it for the long haul, he has even told her as much, and we want to shake her but she just sighs and tells us we don’t understand, that we aren’t there when it is just the two of them, by themselves and he tells her he loves her and she doesn’t care that he doesn’t want to commit because they spend all their time together and who needs a title anyway?
If you are anything like me, you are so scared for this friend of yours. You say to anyone that will listen, “That girl is lying to herself.” Every time you see that friend’s name on the caller ID, you bite your lip before hitting the answer button, expecting her to be sobbing on the other end of the line.
And you're not wrong to be worried. But the truth is your friend is also right. You aren’t there when they are alone. They do spend a lot of time together. He comes to all her things and he invites her out with him and his friends. Both their Facebook profile pictures include each other. And while it is easy to judge a situation when your feelings aren’t invested, it is a wholly different thing to be in a situation where you really like a guy, and you really like spending time with him, and you have so much fun when you are together, and he makes you feel like no other guy has made you feel, and he is pretty much perfect for you minus one, small, itsy-bitsy little detail – he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend.
Every relationship book we have read has told us to run from this situation as fast as our little (or not so little as the case may be) legs can carry us. So why won’t liars listen? Why do they insist on sticking around? Do they know something we don’t? Could there be something to staying in a relationship even when your partner refuses to call it that?
And no, I am not asking because I have suddenly found myself in this situation.
It is because, I’m not sure marriage is my goal.
So if marriage isn’t the ultimate goal -- or even if it is but you are still holding out the silly hope that you can be one of those that finds happiness in it by finding the perfect guy for you – why not spend your time with a guy that might not be the one you spend happily ever after with?
Yes, I know there are studies and vignettes and hormones all proving women are incapable (or less capable) of casual sex. But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about being with someone you love (or like a whole lot) that loves (or likes you or is good enough at pretending he likes you that you don’t know any better) as opposed to spending your time alone. Or worse, spending your time with someone that doesn’t make you feel all warm and special inside because you know there is a better chance that that someone will marry you.
I took a long hard look at the liars in my life. They are all pretty happy right now. Sure there are times when they hurt, or when they want more, but that passes just as quickly as all the times that I am sad because I haven’t had a date in a while. And sure, they could get really hurt when the guy that has been telling them that he doesn’t want anything serious moves on. But they could also get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Yet, I wouldn’t advise any of them not to leave their houses – ever.
Personally, I’m not sure its possible for me to be so risky – to throw such caution to the wind and be with someone that I am so sure is only going to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean I’m not jealous of liars’ bravery.