Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Liar Pride

I know. It has been awhile. I apologize. I have been busy, but that isn’t why I haven’t written. The reason I haven’t written is because I have been stumped by that article about why I’m not married.

I just heard the collective groans of all 22 of my readers. Yes. This again.

First, I am still wondering if I even want to get married. But I will get into that later. The real bit that has me stuck is when she suggested that we aren’t married because we are liars.

Priding myself on not being a liar, I secretly applauded the author for calling women out on this. We all know a liar. We all have a good friend that is with a guy that everyone knows isn’t in it for the long haul, he has even told her as much, and we want to shake her but she just sighs and tells us we don’t understand, that we aren’t there when it is just the two of them, by themselves and he tells her he loves her and she doesn’t care that he doesn’t want to commit because they spend all their time together and who needs a title anyway?

If you are anything like me, you are so scared for this friend of yours. You say to anyone that will listen, “That girl is lying to herself.” Every time you see that friend’s name on the caller ID, you bite your lip before hitting the answer button, expecting her to be sobbing on the other end of the line.

And you're not wrong to be worried. But the truth is your friend is also right. You aren’t there when they are alone. They do spend a lot of time together. He comes to all her things and he invites her out with him and his friends. Both their Facebook profile pictures include each other. And while it is easy to judge a situation when your feelings aren’t invested, it is a wholly different thing to be in a situation where you really like a guy, and you really like spending time with him, and you have so much fun when you are together, and he makes you feel like no other guy has made you feel, and he is pretty much perfect for you minus one, small, itsy-bitsy little detail – he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend.

Every relationship book we have read has told us to run from this situation as fast as our little (or not so little as the case may be) legs can carry us. So why won’t liars listen? Why do they insist on sticking around? Do they know something we don’t? Could there be something to staying in a relationship even when your partner refuses to call it that?

And no, I am not asking because I have suddenly found myself in this situation.

It is because, I’m not sure marriage is my goal.

So if marriage isn’t the ultimate goal -- or even if it is but you are still holding out the silly hope that you can be one of those that finds happiness in it by finding the perfect guy for you – why not spend your time with a guy that might not be the one you spend happily ever after with?

Yes, I know there are studies and vignettes and hormones all proving women are incapable (or less capable) of casual sex. But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about being with someone you love (or like a whole lot) that loves (or likes you or is good enough at pretending he likes you that you don’t know any better) as opposed to spending your time alone. Or worse, spending your time with someone that doesn’t make you feel all warm and special inside because you know there is a better chance that that someone will marry you.

I took a long hard look at the liars in my life. They are all pretty happy right now. Sure there are times when they hurt, or when they want more, but that passes just as quickly as all the times that I am sad because I haven’t had a date in a while. And sure, they could get really hurt when the guy that has been telling them that he doesn’t want anything serious moves on. But they could also get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Yet, I wouldn’t advise any of them not to leave their houses – ever.

Personally, I’m not sure its possible for me to be so risky – to throw such caution to the wind and be with someone that I am so sure is only going to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean I’m not jealous of liars’ bravery.


Anonymous said...

They are not brave. They are in denial.
What's going to happen when he moves on an they find out they're five years or eight years older and they realize they've been thrown back into the pond?
The poor things have no respect for themselves and don't realize they're being used.

It's sad. I wish they would wake up.

Tatiana said...

I have to respectfully disagree with you. Being thrown back in the pond five or eight years later would leave them no worse off than if they had spent the last five or eight years in the pond. It might hurt at first, but that passes. And in time, they will remember all the good times from those five to eight years. And before you say that they may have missed meeting someone really remarkable in those five to eight years – maybe. But let me tell you, I am in the pond, and that doesn’t seem all that likely. Also, who is to say they couldn’t meet someone fantastic while dating the guy that won’t commit.

Maybe some of them don’t have any self-respect and need to wake up, but I wonder how many of them are just living for right now.

Anonymous said...

Life is the right now. It is full of happiness and sadness, ups and downs. Finding a mate is about finding a friend. Someone to share and enjoy life with. It may end. It may last forever. Either way you should enjoy it no matter how long it may last.

Marriage is no guarantee of happiness -- and frankly, I would much rather be in a 5 year relationship that ends than a 5 year marriage that ends.

neighbourhood.gal said...

I wonder if whether you fear for them or not depends upon how the liar reacts when the relationship is over.

If they roll with it - sad for a while, but pick up and move on, then fine, no big deal - this is their lifestyle choice. If they crash into despair and start behaving destructively, then this is not okay and the liar needs to see the relationship as it is.

I've known both kinds.

Anonymous said...

"I wonder how many of them are just living for right now."

I suspect most of them. There's something about college educated Americans on the east coast living in a state of arrested development.

Seven years is a really long time to "date" someone.

In my opinion, if you've been in a relationship with someone for two years, and you just don't think you want to share your life with that person, then that's that.

Assuming you're even looking to settle down with one person forever.