Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It's A Wonder People Ever Get Together in the First Place

Maybe it is all the conversation hearts I’ve been consuming -- I’m so glad they don’t make those all year round -- but I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. 

Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about getting in one. I’m still a perfectly happily single woman.

Still, it is on my mind (and constantly mentioned in my horoscope), which is how I came to be reading a blog article on tips for dating for men.

Let me tell you, all you daters out there, no wonder people have such a hard time connecting.

Now, if you just clicked back from the above link, you might be thinking, Tati, there is nothing wrong with that advice. And you would be correct.

But, when we put this advice in context with what we are telling women (remember this is advice for men) you start to see how this complicates things.

For instance, Tip 2: Never talk about the future. Makes sense if this is a first or second date, but what about the third or fourth or fifth date? When is it okay to start talking about the future. Because women are told to be upfront (though never on the first date) about what they want (isn’t that right, Steve Harvey?).

And then there is Tip 7. Don’t over-pursue. Good tip. Unfortunately, it is almost word for word what every dating book I have ever read (and keep in mind I read almost all of them) tells women. So, imagine, two people have a great time and neither of them reaches out to the other for fear of looking desperate. I don’t have picture the woman wondering why she never heard from a guy after -- I’ve been her. But it is laughable to think some of those guys were sitting around their living rooms drinking bottles of wines with their friends wondering what they did wrong by doing nothing.

Of course, this is if there is even a great date to begin with, which won’t be the case if guys follow Tip 9: don’t talk about yourself. Why? Because your date has been told to not talk about herself, and instead seem (I love that) interested in listening to you talk about yourself and your work. So, we take all conversation about you (and her) off the table, as well as the future, politics, religion, anything else too deep, and I guess that leaves you with the weather. I suppose once the food arrives you could comment on that as well.

I don’t think it is supposed to be this complicated. In fact, I’m pretty sure, when you are with the right person, he will actually be interested in listening to talk about yourself (yes, even on the first date) and she will be delighted when you send her a text and an email and then called her.

s for talking about the future, I think it is foolish not to. Personally, I smell three-monther any time a guy starts telling me he can see us growing old together, so I would wait for the where-do-you-see-us-in-five-years conversation until you two are ready to bump private parts (though obviously not right before).

Of course, I’m also jaded, so maybe you shouldn’t take any dating advice from me.


Anonymous said...

I literally violated all of that advice on my first date with my wife.

I told her right up front I was tired of the bar-dating scene and was ready to settle down. I did not invite her to go looking for real estate the next day, but I considered it perfectly reasonable to talk about where I was in my life.

I was not uniformly positive and warm. I was 100% honest that I was having a bad month. I wasn't relentlessly negative or dark either, but still.

I told her about how I ran for State Senate as a libertarian, and I had just dabbled in becoming an Orthodox Quaker, but it didn't take. Two strikes right there.

I wore a suit. We stayed out a long time, just kind of winging it as we went. I think I got shitfaced. Strike, strike, strike.

Follow-up text? Bleh. Text messaging is for when you're running late or need direction. I dropped a hand-written note in the mailbox to her the next day. That's not desperate. That is charming and romantic. Old fashioned too. But what if I'm an old fashined person? OMG OVERPURSUING!!! TEH STRIKE!!!

I did pay for everything though. So there's that.

Grace said...

Wow. If anyone ever sent me a handwritten note... I'd pretty much be happy for the rest of my life. High five to Anonymous!

Tatiana said...

Seriously, Anonymous. If you were standing next to me right now, I would smack you on the butt and say "nice hustel."

Anonymous said...


If it's common practice and more or less demanded for the HR manager at whatever bs accounting firm I just applied for a job at, how is it not good enough for the lovely lady I just spent an evening with?

Just sayin.