Admit it, You’re Just Not That Into You

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand the purpose of the book He’s Just Not That Into You. I thought Berger did an excellent job giving out this sage advice on what had to be one of my favorite Sex and the City episodes ever. So why the book? Six words, says it all. What else is there to discuss.

Then I got through Chapter One and realized there wasn’t anything else to discuss. Greg (the comedian/Sex and the City consultant that first uttered those six words) was just going to keep yelling them at the reader, while Liz, the executive story editor on SATC, was going to explain to me why his advice was so hard to take.

After the first two chapters of Greg yelling “He’s Just Not That Into You” (of which what is it with comedians and catch phrases?) my eyes were asking for the sweet relief that would come with being gouged out with a spoon. Instead I opted to take my contacts out.

Then I wiped down my bathroom sink.

Hmm, I wondered, when was that last time I cleaned the toilet?

Oh, look, that unused wax from my home waxing kit. Well, I guess I could use some freshening up.

Finally I was out of excuses and had to sit back down and read on. But not before I poured myself a glass of wine.

By the end of Chapter Three, “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You” I started to wonder if I was too smart of these relationship books.

Then I remembered I haven’t had a date since February. That and when I am in a relationship, I suck at it. So, maybe only stupid people are in relationships.

Oh right, I know a lot of smart people in relationships.

Sigh.

I moved on to Chapter Four, but first I poured another glass of wine, I then thought better of it and decided to just bring the bottle into the living room with me.

By the end of Chapter Four I had had it with Greg and Liz and all the letters and all the stupid advice that ended with “face it, he’s just not that into you.” I was so annoyed I wanted to call up the Republican because I knew it was exactly what Greg wouldn’t want me to do.

Here’s the thing, Greg, I know the Republican is not that into me (and yes, I knew this before I read your stupid book). But I am going to call him anyway just to prove to you how little I value your stupid opinion.

Instead, I put the book (and bottle of wine down) and went to bed.

Day Two -- He’s Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex With Someone Else.

I finally realized why this book bothers me so much. It’s not all of Greg’s yelling (surprisingly) or Liz’s sum up sections titled “Why This Is So Hard” (umm, Liz, it’s not hard). It’s the “letters” from the women justifying their boyfriend’s terrible behavior.

For instance, in Chapter Five, Beth writes that her boyfriend of TWO YEARS admitted he slept with someone else because Beth has gained weight and he no longer finds her attractive. Now Beth wonders if she should break up with him or go to the gym.

What?

Beth, you are so lucky you are not my friend because I would have beaten you until you were dead. Hell, I still might.

Are you kidding me? Greg, Liz, please, help me out here. Tell me that these ‘letters” are really just exaggerated, composites of stories you have heard a friend of a friend tell you. These women aren’t real, right?

Regardless, I settled in my head that the women were either phony or there were only five or six of them, sitting around a table trying to out-do each other with their stupidity. I could handle five or six women like this. So I read on.

But by the end of Chapter 11, I start to fully see what is going on, thanks to Liz. Chapter 11 is dedicated to selfish jerks, bullies and freaks and why you wouldn’t want to date any of them. During Liz’s summation, she states “there aren’t that many good men around.” Which is why she excuses staying with a guy that is really nice to you when you are alone, but belittles you when you are out with your friends. She runs through all the reasons why women must not be too choosy when it comes to finding a guy (including the fact that men want to date younger women so the older you get that fewer options you have). That and being alone sucks. So, why not share your time with a guy that can be really nice at times, even if he completely sucks at other times.

Ahh, now I get it. This book was written for women that don’t like themselves.

Because here’s the thing. I agree, being alone sucks a lot (though sometimes it really rocks -- like when I just want to sit on my couch, drink wine and watch NCIS. If I had a boyfriend, he might want to watch the baseball game -- or knowing my luck -- Fox News). But you know what sucks more -- going to jail on felony assault charges.

Which is what would happen if I was out with my new Ivy League-educated boyfriend and friends and he started correcting my grammar.