Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thank God That Is Over

Before I begin, I should warn those of you that haven’t read the fourth book of the Twillight series that I am not going to hold anything back in this post. So if you plan on reading it and don’t want anything ruined, hit your back button now.

For the rest of you, read on (that is if you want to -- if you don’t, that is okay too).

So, my dad has this saying whenever I make a decision he doesn’t necessarily agree with. He says, “Tati, you are the only person I know that will fall in shit and come out smelling like a rose.”

He’s a Marine from coal mining country, so this constitutes a compliment from him.

It seems Bella has this same lovely quality, except instead of fixing her mess herself, she finds others to fix it for her. In Book One it was Edward. In Book Two it was Jacob and then Alice. In Book Three it was Edward’s whole family and Jacob’s pack. Now in Book Four, Bella has a baby to make all her problems go away.

Because that is what babies do. They solve problems.

Salty and the Duchess both warned me that Book Four was the most outrageous of the books. And I’m not going to lie, I doubted them. I mean, really? How much more outrageous could a vampire/human/werewolf love triangle get?

Well, for one, the human can get pregnant by the vampire. She can then decide to keep the “baby” not knowing if that is what is growing inside her, despite the fact that it is killing her and will mean, if she can keep her heart beating, becoming a vampire a lot sooner than she had wanted.

What? So she won’t get to go to college or say good-bye to her dad or her friends. Oh, and let’s not forget that your werewolf friends have vowed to kill your vampire friends if they make you a vampire.

No, don’t worry about any of those things when making your decision Bella; just remember that babies make everything better and hide behind Rosalie and die a slow, painful death.

Then, my favorite part, when the little girl is born (while Bella, is burning alive on the inside but staying brave on the outside so Edward doesn’t have to see her hurt) Jacob, who was dead-set on killing the thing, imprints on her. That’s right, kids, Jacob and the baby, Nessie, are soul mates.
And thanks to Nessie being Jacob’s soul mate, the other werewolves can’t kill her as that is an ancient werewolf rule.

What about Charlie? Well you know how dads are. They just want grand-babies. They don’t care if you have to die in the process.

At least she had a little girl. Because if Stephanie Meyer made me believe that Edward was going to be okay naming his son Edward Jacob, I would have thrown the book in a fire. I mean I get it -- Edward is the perfect man. But so is Peyton Manning and I am pretty sure that when Peyton and I have twin boys, he is not going to let me name one Peyton Manning Jr. and the other Tom Brady Manning Jr. And I have never professed to loving Tom.

Of course babies also bring a whole slew of problems. Nessie brought the wrath of the Voultari who decided to kill the whole Cullen clan for allowing this abomination.

For the record the abomination was not naming the little girl Renessme.

But don't worry about that either. Because Nessie (like all babies) was just so cute and lovable and darling, no one could say no to her. Not the other vampires that came to "witness" that she wasn't a vampire baby, but only half-vampire. Not the other witnesses that came to watch the Cullens get torn apart and definitely not he Voultari. I mean come on. Who doesn't love a baby?

I guess a small part of me knew that there was just no way the author was going to kill them all at the end. But still I hoped. After all, I had heard that Book Five was suppose to be Book One again, only this time through Edward’s eyes. That is, until parts of Book Five were leaked and Stephanie announced she would not finish Book Five and that the Twillight series was complete.

Of which, person that leaked that book -- I owe you a steak dinner.

Of course, a sick part of me wants Stephanie to write one more book. Because I really want to see how she deals with Jacob and Nessie taking their relationship to the next level.

Just how would that go? Jacob and Nessie are making out in Nessie’s bed (maybe a sunny day when Edward and Bella decide to go out to their field and just stare at each other’s sparkling body). Nessie puts her hand to Jacob’s cheek and in his head flashes the question, how many other girls have you been with? Jacob hesitates and says only you, Nessie. She presses, wondering if he has ever kissed a girl before and, because Jacob would never lie, he admits he made out with her mother -- twice!

I don’t care if you are soul mates, that is going to give a girl pause.


Anonymous said...

I just could not bring myself to read those books. And now I know my instinct was correct.

I know 5 women over 45 who swoon when they talk of Edward. My question to them has always you want your daughter to be Bella?



Tina Marina said...

Honestly, the only literary pursuit I've actively hated more than this one was Madonna's stab at a children's picture book.

So, needless to say, I appreciated the post.

The "Rosemary's Baby" first act creeped me out, but I was able to continue with only minimal grumbling.

The "suffering with the dignaty of the Virgin Mary" second act prompted some eyerolling and prayers for vampire/human relationship couseling, but I kept on.

But when we got to the good ol' birthin' scene, followed by the "ex-boyfriend settles for sexy baby daughter" third act, I believe I threw the book across the room.

And wondered how the hell they were going to make that play in the movie.

Such a breath of fresh, rational air from the library, which featured a large display of Twilight books proclaiming "Enjoy the Whole Romantic Journey Again This Summer!!" LOVED the post.

Anonymous said...

This series sounds really sick. The young girls who read this will be so twisted.
They already believe any crapola couched in romantic phrases. What a shame.

LadyBossyBoots said...

Tatiana --

Take heart. As a teen librarian, I can vouch that not all Teens love this series.

In a craft I hosted the other night, at least half of the girls in the room were hating on Twilight, loudly and with a great deal of animation.

The Twilight-fans in the room just sat there looking hurt and sad -- just like Bella!

So while the Twilight phenomenon isn't going away anytime soon, not every teen girl has partaken of the Kool-Aid.