There are some really great moments in a break-up. For instance, when you are sitting at a friend’s holiday party and you learn that your ex-boyfriend has recently been wearing Crocs.
Then there are some not so wonderful moments in a break-up. Like when you are standing in the kitchen of your own holiday party and that same ex asks you, “So what happened to your job?”
Let me explain.
Every year I host a Mummer’s Day party and while it isn't the social event of the year, I do get a pretty decent turnout. Amongst the revelers are a number of DB’s friends, which would have left him without anyone to strut with on New Year’s Day and so this year he decided to tag along.
So you know, he wasn't so callous as to show up without warning me he was coming. New Year’s Eve, Salty’s husband (my part-time husband as Salty lets me borrow him when I need something heavy moved or a ride to a big box store) dropped off a couple of cases of beer and as he put the beer in my backyard he joked that DB might come join them the next day. I shrugged and said that would be fine. See, I thought this was a joke PTH and I had. In the last year and a half, there would be occasions when DB was invited somewhere, but he wouldn’t show. Presumably because I was there. PTH would tease me about it and I would give it right back to him.
But as he was leaving, PTH brought it up again and again I shrugged it off. Then he turned and said, “Is any of your family coming tomorrow?”
Suddenly I knew he wasn’t joking. See, I’m tough, but I’m nothing when compared to the rest of my family. Daddy was a marine, mommy was raised in a bar, Lana lulls you into a false sense of security with her high voice and big doe eyes before she whispers something sweetly into your ear that makes you cry and Ivan, well Ivan is a just a big kid with killer wit and sometimes a gun hidden on his person. My only weapons are my keen intellect and my icy demeanor.
The next day, when he did in fact turn up, I got to play gracious hostess, while I struggled to hide the fact that I was shaking from my internal struggle. I know he is a douche bag, and showing up at my party really only confirmed this for me and my friends, but he is still a guy I really liked. He is still the guy that I shared a lot of great moments with. A guy that I was probably the most intimate with. And while he turned out to be a jerk, his physical appearance didn’t change -- he didn’t look like a jerk. He still looked like the guy whose body I used to like to lie against while we sat on my couch watching a movie.
And it didn’t help that it was New Year’s Day when a person is already extra introspective about. I suppose I could have used this opportunity to reflect on my life but instead I chose to ignore my feelings and drink until I stopped shaking.
Which is how I found myself in my kitchen with my ex pretending everything was perfectly normal. Sometimes self-reflection is best done the next day, sober, in front of a computer.