Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Husband Draft

I had an epiphany this weekend, thanks to a few friends, more beers and the NFL draft.

There should be a mate draft.

Let me explain.

We were out tying on a dayload in Fairmount, when Salty’s husband mentions that in Germany, they are considering allowing couples to lease a marriage, so to speak. Instead of saying “Forever and ever until death do us part.” They are saying, “Let’s see if we can make it seven years, and if we do, we can extend our contract.”

This little nugget of information sparked a conversation as to whether or not this was better and if it didn’t turn marriage into a cell phone contract. And if there was a chance that with every milestone you had to renew your contract. For instance, if you had a kid, would you need to agree to 18 years? Would you wait to buy a house until you were eligible for a free upgrade?

My mind began to wander. Maybe it was that I had watched bits of the NFL draft this weekend, but when Salty’s husband mentioned seven year contracts, I immediately thought of professional sports and started to wonder, out loud, “would trades be allowed?”

That is how it started.

Imagine if dating were handled the same way football teams handle acquiring players. It is post-season and you are sitting around with your girlfriends and one asks, “So how are things with you and Dave?” and you respond, “Good. But you know he only has a couple good years left in him, so I am thinking about trading him to Carol for her husband and a first round draft pick.”

Or, you realize that you picked up a real looker, but you need a real cooker. And so, you look around at what is available and make the trade that matches your needs.

And then there’s the draft.

It could be held in February or March, giving you enough time before wedding season starts in May. All the men that were ready to get married would be gathered in one place and just like the NFL draft you could scout your potential mates skills. You could get tape on him from his dating years, hear from past girlfriends about his skills. Instead of seeing how fast he can run the 40, you can see how he responds to dishes just sitting in the sink, or you asking for the remote. Instead of meeting with the press and potential sponsors, he could meet with your friends and your parents.

The only issue I haven’t resolved is salary. Of course in my head, when I think about compensation, I immediately think of karats. But since the men are typically the ones that give the women the ring, it didn’t really fit my analogy. I could switch it around and make it a wife draft, but that wouldn’t be very feminist of me.


Brandon said...

But what happens when gay men marry? Who gets to trade then? Would both have the option? Or would the more feminine of the two get the option? And where does this leave lesbians? Are they doomed to the same mate forever as in traditional marriage?

Amanda in Austin said...

I think you're on to something with this analogy... Keep going...

Tatiana said...

Brandon you raise an excellent point. I think for the draft idea to work, there will need to be different leagues -- a hetero, a gay and a lesbian league. Now, the hetero league will work as I described above simply because everyone knows women want to get married just as soon as we start menstruating, whereas men enjoy the single life until one day they decide they want to settle down. And so that is when they would enter the draft. I am not sure how it works in the gay and lesbian communities. So your leagues will have to work out their own rules and regulations and skills tests.
I will appoint myself commissioner of the hetero league, and if you would like you can be the commissioner of the gay league. We will then find a lesbian commissioner and all meet for cocktails and brainstorming.

Brandon said...

Sounds like a plan. I'll get on the line and see if I can't start a lesbian phone tree to find a qualified candidate. ;)